


Broken

by friendoftheearth



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Family Drama, Gen, Grief/Mourning, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-07
Updated: 2016-04-07
Packaged: 2018-05-31 21:13:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 13,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6487600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/friendoftheearth/pseuds/friendoftheearth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU.<br/>Aaron and Jackson are left holding the baby!<br/>Written in 2011</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Broken – A continuation to Bonds and Other Broken Things

Part 1

August, Aaron had been eagerly waiting for this month to come, they all had. They had three reasons to celebrate during its thirty-one days. Jackson's birthday was on the 5th, Maddy's baby was due around the tenth and he and Jackson were moving into a place of their own on the 29th. It was supposed to be a good month but today, Sunday14th, his world had started to fall apart.

As he stared out of the hospital window he forced his mind back over the last two weeks, to happier times. Jackson's birthday being the highlight. The two of them had had a few drinks in the Woolpack with Paddy and a tired but happy Maddy. Then they'd piled into a hired minibus with a crowd of their friends, heading off to do the rounds of both the straight and the gay clubs. It had been a great night and both he and Jackson had the hangovers from hell to prove it.

Maddy had fussed over them the next morning or whenever it was they'd finally surfaced from beneath the duvet. Paddy had been less than sympathetic, him deeming their 'ill health' self inflicted and well deserved. At his lowest ebb Jackson had groaned and said, "Never again." Paddy had snorted at that saying "No, not until the next time!"

Aaron had, at the time, believed that to be not all that far off, they'd planned on having a housewarming party and somewhere in between they would be wetting the baby's head.

Housewarming! That wouldn't be happening now. He wouldn't be moving out, how could he? Jackson would understand. Declan too hopefully, they'd been all set to move into Dale Head, his property, the one Jackson had renovated for him.

Its present tenants were moving out this next week and wanting someone he trusted in it had said the place was theirs if they wanted it.

Jackson had long since moved into the Smithy, so they were already living together, their own place was the next step. They hadn't been in any hurry though; they were happy where they were. But as they'd talked Declan's unexpected offer through it had sounded more and more appealing. The rent was more than affordable between them, it came partly furnished and it was in Emmerdale, close to family and friends. The only downer in his eyes was having Cain as a neighbour and his place of work right on his doorstep!

Paddy hadn't been happy about it, he'd made all the right noises and everything but he'd been quiet and so Aaron had asked Maddy what was going on with him, she'd said he just wasn't ready for his 'son' to fly the nest but then he probably never would be so not to worry about it.

He'd made a conscious effort then to spend a bit more time with Paddy, he and Jackson had helped him decorate the baby's room, painting it a bright sunny yellow, or lemon as Maddy insisted it be called. She'd wanted a colour appropriate for a girl or a boy and that was the only one she'd been happy with. Despite having several scans the sex of the baby wasn't known, Maddy had wanted it to be a surprise and Paddy had gone along with her even though he'd been desperate to know if he had a son or a daughter on the way.

Pearl was convinced it was a girl, said she could tell by the way Maddy was carrying the baby, she'd knitted endless baby clothes and all in pink. Pearl! How was he going to tell her what had happened?

How could things change so quickly how could they go from being so good to heartbreakingly bad in a matter of hours?

Last night, Saturday night, with the baby now a few days overdue, he and Jackson had dragged Paddy along to the Woolpack with them. The older man's endless fussing was driving Maddy around the bend. A couple of pints and a few games of darts had helped chill him out. They'd had a good night, never expecting tears of grief would be falling today.

By the time they'd got home Maddy had gone to bed; Paddy had immediately joined her leaving them to watch a DVD.

They'd gone to bed around twelve only to be woken up at three that morning by Paddy, excitedly telling them that the baby was finally on its way. Maddy had been her usual calm self even through the pain. She had been in no hurry to get to the hospital saying there was plenty of time yet, but Paddy was insisting they get there as soon as possible. Being a vet he'd delivered countless animals, he'd even delivered a baby, twins in fact, but he had no intentions of delivering his own.

He and Jackson had got up and after quickly pulling on some clothes and seen them off, Jackson carrying Maddy's suitcase and putting it in the boot. Paddy's excitement had been contagious so too his nervousness and he and him had hugged each other reassuringly before the older man had got in the car. As the car had disappeared around the corner Jackson had steered him inside.

They'd gone back to sleep but only fitfully, waiting on a phone call they knew could take a while to come.

By three that afternoon the only news he'd had from the hospital was that things were progressing slowly. He was finding the waiting unbearable and having persuaded Debbie into giving him a few hours off he'd gone home, showered and changed, intent on making his way over to the hospital to check on Paddy. He wasn't worried so much about Maddy, nothing seemed to faze her.

When he'd got to the hospital he'd made his way to the labour ward, texting Paddy to let him know he was in the waiting room. He'd expected to see a flushed, smiling face but Paddy had been pale and worried looking, and more than a little relieved to see him, for once he'd needed his support.

Maddy was being readied for an emergency caesarean, the baby was in distress. He'd reassured Paddy as best he could but he felt way out of his depth, what did he know about women and babies?

Paddy had gone back to be with Maddy then. Within an hour their daughter was born, she was healthy giving no cause for concern, but suddenly Maddy was. She was bleeding heavily and Paddy had been asked to leave while the doctors fought to put that right.

An hour or was it two they'd sat there, him and Paddy waiting anxiously for news. He'd texted Jackson and Marlon during that time, somehow knowing he was going to need them.

Finally a doctor and a midwife had walked into the room. Their faces said it all. Maddy was dead.

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

Broken

Part 2

Aaron's eyes were on the road ahead, but he was struggling to concentrate on the traffic. His head was all over the place, one minute his thoughts were with Paddy who was sitting beside him, lost in the nightmare that was grief. Then they were with Maddy, lying so pale and so very cold, and then they would wander to their daughter, left all alone in the hospital nursery.

If that wasn't enough torment he had the memory of the last few hours eating away at him too.

He would never, not for as long as he lived, forget the strangled sob of anguish that had escaped Paddy's mouth on being told the woman he loved was dead. It had ripped through him, jolting him into action. He'd wrapped one arm around Paddy while reaching out with the other to take his trembling hand in his. He'd held on for dear life, wanting him to know he was there for him that he always would be. The tears trickling down Paddy's cheeks had brought on his own.

He hadn't really heard much of what the doctor had said after that, all he was aware of was what Paddy was saying over and over again, "No, not Maddy, please God not my Maddy." That had tore at his heart too; he couldn't bear to see Paddy in so much pain.

Then they were being led to a side room where they were left alone with Maddy. He'd stood beside Paddy, had watched him gently caress her face, had listened to him tell her he loved her. After a little while he'd realised he was intruding on something very private, that Paddy needed to be alone with her, so after promising him he would come back, he had on leaden legs, left the room.

He'd needed Jackson desperately right then. He'd needed him to tell him that everything would all be alright, but more than anything he'd needed to feel his arms around him.

Suddenly he was there, holding him, their tears mingling, united in their grief.

Then along with an equally devastated Marlon they had sat silently in the waiting room, giving Paddy the time he needed to say goodbye.

He could smell Maddy's perfume again. It had brought him out of his reverie. She always wore the same one, it wasn't anything overpowering but it would linger for hours in her wake, you always knew when she'd been in a room and as soon as he'd got into Paddy's car he had been aware of it.

It had thrown him, it was as if she was there with them and he'd looked over his shoulder into the back seat, half expecting to see her smiling back at him. He'd had to wipe away tears as it had again hit him that he would never see her again.

There was a time when that was exactly what he'd wanted, to not ever see her again!

They had got off to a bad start, the worst and it was all his doing. He had come between her and Paddy, his insecurities to blame, but he couldn't have been any happier at them getting back together. They had become really close in the time since...now she was gone... and she would never know how much he had come to love her.

Another crop of tears! He was going to end up running into the back of a lorry if he wasn't careful. Paddy had been in no fit state to drive and he realised now he wasn't much better.

Jackson and Marlon were somewhere up ahead of them. On their way to break the news to family and friends in person, while he got Paddy home and...and well he wasn't sure what he was going to do once he got there. He just knew he couldn't leave things as they were. Paddy was hurting, he wasn't thinking straight, he couldn't be, he'd hardly recognised him back there at the hospital when he'd...but that was because it was grief doing the talking, he hadn't meant it, he hadn't meant a word of what he'd said.

As they'd sat in the waiting room the midwife had come in and told them the baby was now on one of the postnatal wards, that they wanted to keep her in overnight. She'd told them they could see her whenever they wanted to. She thought it might help Paddy, that holding his daughter would be of some comfort to him.

They had all thought it would be too, after all he had been counting the days until he could hold his and Maddy's baby in his arms, the day couldn't come soon enough for him. It had finally arrived and although marred by a terrible loss there was no denying something wondrous had happened today too.

They had made their way to the side room, Paddy seemed more in control of his emotions, and after dropping a gentle kiss on Maddy's lips he'd left the room with Marlon, leaving him and Jackson to say their goodbyes. It hadn't been easy leaving that room, leaving Maddy all alone there. But they'd had to; the man she'd loved needed them now.

As soon as they'd walked into the waiting room they knew something was very wrong. The atmosphere was unbelievably strained, like the two older men had had words. He'd looked to Marlon for an explanation; the older man had hesitantly told him that Paddy didn't want to see his daughter that he wanted to go home. He hadn't believed that but over the course of the next ten minutes or so Paddy had stated repeatedly that he didn't want to see the baby. There had been no reasoning with him and in the end he and Jackson had made their way to the ward without him.

He hadn't wanted to hold the baby either but only because she was so small, so fragile looking. But the midwife was the no nonsense kind, and had sat him down and set her in his arms. She'd left the three of them alone then.

Despite everything he'd found himself smiling, he was mesmerised by the tiny face, "She's got blue eyes!"

"They all do at that age." Jackson had said, remembering the fact from god knows where.

"She's pretty."

"Yeah...just like her mum."

He'd nodded at that, grief again overwhelming him; the little girl would never know her mother. Suddenly he'd wanted to say something to her,

"You've got the best dad in the world, he loves you, he's just hurting right now and missing your mum so much, he just needs a bit of time to think about her. But you'll see, he'll be here tomorrow, he'll come get you, bring you home, I know he will."

He'd truly believed that when he'd said it, but when they'd gone back to join the two older men, when he'd tried talking to Paddy about his daughter, Paddy had told him he didn't want to know, that he wanted nothing to do with her!

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

Broken

Part 3

Aaron had pulled up in the drive, switched off the engine and let his gaze wander over Smithy cottage, thinking how it looked just the same as it always did, but knowing it wasn't the same, without Maddy it would never be the same again.

Realising then that Paddy was still sitting beside him, that he had made no attempt to get out of the car, he'd turned to him and said, "Paddy, we're home."

But just like everything else he had said to him on the journey back to Emmerdale, the words had gone unacknowledged, seemingly unheard. Paddy in some kind of a daze, lost in a pain filled world of his own.

Getting out of the car he'd hurried around to the passenger door, opening it ready for the older man. He'd called his name several times but it wasn't until he'd gently squeezed his shoulder that he'd got a response.

He'd followed Paddy into the house then. Bonnie had met them at the door, her tail going nineteen to the dozen, excited as always on seeing them and expecting a fuss. Paddy had completely ignored her, something he'd never seen him do before.

Standing in the hallway, he had watched him make his way upstairs, dithering over whether to follow him or not. In the end he'd decided to make a drink and that if Paddy hadn't come down by the time it was made he'd take it up to him, make sure he was alright.

He'd heaped spoonful after spoonful of sugar into the mug, making the tea a lot sweeter than Paddy would normally drink, but he'd remembered Pearl telling him once that sweet tea was good for shock. He knew it was probably just another one of her oldwives tales but he'd done it all the same.

Paddy had been sitting on his bed, the bed he'd shared with Maddy. His head was bowed and in his hands he held an item of her clothing. It was a heart-breaking sight and after setting the mug down on the dresser he'd sat down beside him, wrapping an arm around him, the need to comfort him overwhelming. He'd expected Paddy to cry then, knew he needed to but the older man had tensed at his touch, had then shrugged off his arm saying, "Leave me alone Aaron, please."

There had been a coolness in his voice, it like Paddy's physical reaction towards him troubling him deeply. This wasn't the Paddy he knew. Again he found himself not knowing what to do, despite what Paddy had just said he didn't think leaving him alone was the right thing to do. The decision was soon made for him though when Paddy suddenly looked at him raising his voice as he demanded, "Go on, get out."

The rejection and that's how he'd seen it at the time, had hurt. He didn't suppose he had a right to feel that way not knowing how badly Paddy was hurting but it had stung and badly. He'd just wanted to help him, be there for him, like all the times Paddy had been there for him when he was hurting.

Once downstairs he'd slumped into a kitchen chair, drowning in the silence that surrounded him. The house was too quiet, even with Paddy upstairs he'd suddenly felt very alone. He'd lost Maddy and he couldn't shake off the irrational fear that he'd lost Paddy too.

The place hadn't been quiet for long though, over the next few hours one after another family member or friend had walked in through the door. Filling the air with what it had suddenly seemed to lack...warmth.

Pearl had been the first to arrive, tearfully hugging him, words of comfort pouring out of her mouth. An equally upset Laurel close on her heels, she and Maddy had become good friends. Lisa and his Uncle Zak had arrived shortly after; Paddy was a honorary member of the Dingle clan, no he was more than that, Zak especially saw him as part of the family.

They'd all moved to the living room then, where there was room for them all to sit. There he'd had to tell them that Paddy was wanting some time alone, they'd all seemed to understand that but then they hadn't seen him, they hadn't heard him.

Soon Diane and Edna had joined them, the two of them making tea and handing it round.

They all already knew what had happened but he'd found himself hesitantly retelling events, he'd not told them about Paddy refusing to see his daughter though, that was something he wasn't prepared to share. He didn't want any of them to think bad of him, not in any way and they just might if like him they didn't understand his not wanting to.

He'd told them about the baby, what he could. Laurel had asked her weight and he'd surprised himself by remembering it, usually things like that went in one ear and out the other. But then he'd realised this was different, this baby was special to him, had become so the minute he'd held her in his arms. She was Maddy's daughter, Paddy's daughter, he loved them and he'd instantly loved her too.

Edna had asked about her name, he'd had to tell them that as yet she didn't have one, he was going to have to ask Paddy about that, they couldn't leave her without a name.

His mum had arrived with Cain then, the hard man had a lot of respect for Paddy, and he hadn't been surprised to see him walk through the door.

Then suddenly it had all got too much for him, the endless talk, the need to be seen to be in control of his emotions, and he'd slipped unnoticed or so he had thought into the kitchen. Cain and Zak had followed him in there minutes later. But unlike the women they didn't feel the need to talk and they'd just sat silently around the table. He could cope with that.

Marlon and Jackson had arrived within minutes of each other, both looked drained; breaking the news to all who'd cared for Maddy had obviously been an ordeal.

They'd asked how Paddy was doing, and he'd had to tell them how worried he was about him. Zak, the family's patriarch had decided he should be the one to talk to him.

He hadn't been upstairs all that long when they'd heard a raised voice, Paddy's. Zak had returned to the kitchen shaking his head. He'd had to admit defeat; it seemed Paddy wasn't letting anyone get close to him, he wasn't letting anyone in.

It was ten o'clock before the last visitor left, finally leaving him and Jackson alone. They'd made their way upstairs, looked in on Paddy, the older man still sitting on the side of the bed, still clutching something of Maddy's, he didn't appear to have moved. That had unnerved him, Paddy was never still normally, he had a restless energy, it was if all the life had drained out of him too.

He'd stepped further into the room noticing that the sandwiches Marlon had brought him up earlier remained untouched, so to the numerous cups of tea he and Jackson had brought him.

He didn't think there was much point in trying to get him to eat something now, but he wasn't going to give up on him so easily where his daughter was concerned. He'd phoned the hospital earlier, the midwife telling him that baby Kirk was doing well. He'd been pleased and relieved to hear that but it had got no response from Paddy.

He and Jackson had gone to bed then, as always finding comfort in each other's arms.

But there was to be little if any sleep, and sometime during the endless night they'd heard Paddy moving about, going downstairs. They'd waited a little while before following, finding him sitting in the kitchen, a bottle of whisky on the table and a glass half full of the stuff in his hand.

Paddy didn't drink whisky, but right now he looked set to empty the bottle.

How was that going to help?

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

Broken

Part 4

Jackson practical as ever, had made for the kettle and set about making them all a drink, he though just stood there looking at Paddy, trying to understand him, his actions. He had friends, lots of good friends and people he considered family all around him, all wanting to help him in any way they could, he didn't need to look for comfort in a bottle. He was annoyed with him, disappointed in him, he couldn't help it. He didn't claim to know everything, but he did know this was wrong.

Stepping towards the table Aaron sat down beside Paddy, watching him down the entire contents of the glass in one. It hadn't touched the sides, he didn't even look to have tasted it, it was like he was drinking water. As Paddy reached for the bottle about to pour himself another glass of the alcohol, he reached out and grasped his arm, as far as he was concerned he'd had way too much of it already, "Paddy don't..."

Paddy had just shrugged off his hand and was now looking at him, no not at him, through him, like he was nothing. Paddy then getting to his feet, snatching up the bottle and walking towards the stairs.

"Paddy!" He'd made to go after him but Jackson had caught hold of his arm,

"Leave him go."

"But he's..."

"It won't do any good, he's not hearing you."

He felt a rush of tears, the helplessness he felt suddenly getting to him. "What do I do then? I don't know how to help him."

"I don't know but getting in his face isn't helping. As hard as it is I think we need to back off, for now anyway. It's only been a matter of hours, he's still in shock, and he hasn't slept any, maybe he will now and when he wakes up he might be more himself."

Jackson hadn't sounded all that hopeful and he wasn't either.

/

By seven they'd long since given up trying to sleep and were up, trying to keep themselves busy, tidying around, making the house presentable, knowing there would be more callers again today. They didn't want to let a house proud Maddy down.

Now, while Jackson was fitting the baby seat in Paddy's car he was making his way upstairs. He was almost scared to open Paddy's bedroom door, not knowing what to expect from him this morning. As he stepped into the room the stench of stale whisky hit him, he could see the open bottle on the dresser and was relieved to see it wasn't empty, about a third of it remained. Paddy had had a skinful though, and not used to drinking the stuff it would have hit him hard. Had hit him hard!

He was sprawled out on the bed, fully dressed, eyes closed, mouth open. In need of a shower, a shave and a bloody good shake! How could he have done that to himself? If Maddy were here now she'd give him what for...it would break her heart seeing him like this, she'd loved him so much.

It wasn't fair; Paddy had finally found someone who truly loved him only to lose her in the cruellest of ways. All the other women he'd been involved with...loved, they'd all let him down, even his mum, especially his mum. Paddy was the best thing that had ever happened to her but she'd realised that too late! Now Paddy had lost the best thing that had ever happened to him and right now it seemed he wasn't going to get over having his heart broken again.

He had a mug of coffee in his hand, the strong sobering kind. Paddy was supposed to be collecting his daughter from the hospital this morning, but he was going nowhere like that!

After half an hour of coaxing and outright bullying he finally had Paddy sat on the side of the bed, his eyes screwed up against the daylight.

He'd managed to get the coffee down him, but he was going to need a few more mugful's before he felt anywhere near human again.

He'd been talking to Paddy as he'd sat with him, had told him who had called around last night, who had phoned. He'd been a bit more responsive, seemingly taking an interest so he'd slowly worked his way around to mentioning the baby. "I called the hospital again this morning, I told the nurse we'd be there for ten..."

Paddy had lurched to his feet and was now stumbling towards the bathroom. For a few minutes he dared hope he'd remembered his responsibilities and had gone to take a shower, make himself respectable, but no, just a few minutes later he was back, and lying back down on the bed, closing his eyes, making it clear he'd gone back there to sleep.

"Paddy what about the baby? We have to go bring her home."

"No."

He'd said it with such a finality that he knew he meant it. He glared down at him, wanting to drag him off the bed and haul his sorry arse back into the bathroom, stick him under the shower, hold his head under the cold jets of water until he'd come to his senses. He would have done to if he didn't know he was grieving. As angry as he was with him right now he hurt for him too.

He was going to have to go pick the baby up without him...there was no 'have to' about it, he wanted to, he wanted her here, he wanted her home where she belonged. And maybe when Paddy saw her again he'd realise just how much he loved her, remember how much he and Maddy had wanted her.

He made his way to the baby's room. The last time he'd been in here it was with Maddy, She'd bought even more baby stuff and he'd carried it up here for her. It had just been the two of them and she'd excitedly showed him what she'd bought. He remembered thinking the baby would want for nothing, but he'd been wrong, because one of the two most important people in her life was now gone and the other...well he was still here but he might as well be a million miles away.

She had him though, and Jackson. He might not be ideal big brother material but Jackson was.

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

Broken

Part 5

He'd lingered in the baby's room, soaking up its comforting atmosphere. The sun was streaming in through the window adding to its already warm glow and there was still a hint of Maddy's perfume in the air. The misery was palpable in Paddy's room and it had filled him with despair but in here he could believe everything would be alright.

Jackson had come looking for him, shaking his head when he told him about Paddy, Jackson going on to say just what he'd expected him to, "We'll go bring her home."

He didn't like the idea of leaving Paddy, he felt his place was with him, but next to Paddy he and Jackson were all the family the baby had now and he had to put her first.

They decided that as soon as Marlon arrived they would leave for the hospital. He'd promised to come over first thing; he would keep an eye on Paddy while they were gone. Marlon planned on trying to talk to him again this morning. Aaron knew that if anyone could get through to Paddy Marlon could, they'd been best friends for years, were closer than close. Marlon had lost his first wife in tragic circumstances, so he knew what Paddy was going through. He could understand his pain better than they ever could.

They'd made their way back downstairs, sat at the kitchen table, drinking tea in a brooding silence. They were missing Maddy, hurting badly. Their grief compounded with worry over Paddy, the helplessness they felt eating away at them. And amidst all the heartache they were having to come to terms with the fact responsibility for the baby now fell to them until Paddy was ready to take it back. But where Aaron told himself it would only be for a matter of hours, a couple of days at the most, Jackson was beginning to realise it would be for a lot longer a time than that. But however long it was for, it was a terrifying prospect.

Jackson was the first to voice his concerns, "We don't know anything about caring for a baby."

"No, but we can learn and it won't be for long, once Paddy sees her that'll be it, he'll want to do everything for her."

Aaron's faith in Paddy was unshakable and it did him credit but he didn't think things were going to right themselves so easily. Paddy was in a very dark place right now and seemingly unreachable. Aaron needed to realise that as well as how unprepared they were to take a baby on, "We need to talk this through..."

"There's nothing to talk about..."

"Of course there is, for a start we don't even know the basics like how to change a nappy or make up a bottle..."

"No, but like I said we can learn."

"Yes we can learn..." He hated having to be so practical about this but someone had to be, "...but what about work, what about..."

"We can sort something out. Jackson we can do this, we have to."

"Yes but..."

"It's only until Paddy gets his act together!"

Aaron seemed to have convinced himself that bringing the baby home would do the trick well he couldn't go on thinking that way, "We don't know what's going on in his head do we? Is the baby too painful a reminder of Maddy right now or does he blame her or..."

"Blame her? Blame her for what?"

"For Maddy dying..."

"No! Why would he?" He couldn't get his head around that idea.

"Because he's not thinking rationally right now. What if it's weeks, months before he is? What if he never..."

"Don't say that! Paddy wouldn't turn his back on her you know he wouldn't."

"But he already has..."

"No!"

"Aaron that's not the Paddy we know up there, that's a broken man. What he said about wanting nothing to do with his daughter... well I'm beginning to think he meant it!"

"No!" No he wasn't having that. "You're wrong..."

"I hope to God that I am but..."

"No, you'll see he just needs a bit more time."

It was Aaron that needed a bit more time, time to accept what was happening with Paddy. He wouldn't push this anymore, if Aaron wasn't ready to listen there wasn't any point. "Alright but in the meantime we're going to need some help"

"There'll be no shortage of that!" The women in their life had already fallen over themselves offering to help out in any way they could. "But all we want is a few pointers, nothing more, I don't want Pearl taking her for a few hours, then Laurel, then someone else. I don't want her passed around like I was Jackson, like Maddy was, not knowing where or to who she belongs!" Maddy had been open about her life and they both knew her childhood had been far from happy, and she'd been determined to give her child a stable and loving home.

He didn't want that either, the fact both Aaron and Maddy had been shunted from pillar to post growing up made him determined the little girl wouldn't endure the same, "She won't be. I'm not talking about palming her off on someone else, on neighbours or a child minder I'm talking about someone showing us the ropes, like you said we need a few pointers." He was sure they would need some hands on help too but Aaron didn't want to hear that right now either. "How about we ask Pearl or your mum or maybe even both of them?"

He bit back on his retort, giving Jackson's words some thought, grudgingly admitting it wasn't such a bad idea. His mum and Maddy had been a little wary of each other at first but they'd soon become friends and Pearl had mothered Maddy just like she did Paddy, like she did them all. They were both an extension of their unconventional family, so who better to ask than them.

Within minutes of him phoning them the two women were walking through the door. Telling them about Paddy had been hard, he'd felt he was betraying him. They'd been shocked initially but were soon trying to reason out his actions, Pearl saying grief was a terrible thing, that it could rob you of your senses. They'd both been confident he'd work through it though, that he just needed some time.

They'd been equally as taken aback at the idea of the two of them caring for the baby, but when they'd seen how serious they were about doing so they had promised to do everything they could to help them.

/

While they were at the hospital, the two women had got things ready for the baby, things they hadn't thought about doing, which just went to prove Jackson's point, they needed help.

The Moses basket was now downstairs and set up in the living room, along with all the other baby paraphernalia they would need. The bottle sterilizer was in the kitchen and now ready for use.

While the baby slept Chas had shown them how to make up a feed, how to prepare a batch of bottles. It wasn't rocket science so they were confident they'd have no problems with that. Nappy changing though...that was a different story.

The baby had woken up crying, all red faced and angry looking; trying to change her nappy while she squirmed and exercised her lungs had proved an ordeal especially as it had been full of something disgusting. He'd thought there was something wrong with her but Pearl had said it was normal and after a few days it would turn to something a lot less unpleasant. God he hoped so!

Between them, under Chas and Pearl's supervision they had then fed and settled the baby. They'd been nervous, cack-handed, all fingers and thumbs but they'd done it, strangely working up more of a sweat than they'd ever done when at work. With her finally asleep they'd slumped on the sofa exhausted but pleased with their efforts and knowing it would be a little easier the next time, at least they hoped it would be.

The phone seemed to ring constantly then, and there seemed to be always someone at the door, and they were happy to let the women see to all of that. They knew what to say where they struggled, especially him. Sympathy cards and flowers accompanied gifts for the new baby, so strange a mix of sadness and joy surrounded them. And such a show of support from family and friends helped, but Paddy wasn't aware of any of it, he remained upstairs.

Marlon hadn't managed to get him talking let alone leave his room. He'd finally joined them in the living room, having sat upstairs with Paddy for hours. Paddy had slept most of that time but the times he had woken up, when Marlon had tried talking to him, to get him to eat something, he'd just asked him to go, to leave him alone. He'd completely ignored all mention of his daughter. Marlon couldn't hide his concern, he believed Paddy had hit rock bottom and didn't know how to help him find his way back, he wasn't about to give up on him though. He was going to come back a bit later and try again.

Marlon's words had added to his concern and he'd made his way upstairs, finding Paddy sitting on the side of the bed, just staring at the floor. He walked into the room standing just in front of him, where he couldn't be so easily ignored.

"Your daughter's downstairs, me and Jackson brought her home."

His words went unacknowledged, Paddy not even looking at him.

"Paddy, come see her please," He knew if Paddy just looked at her he wouldn't be able to take his eyes off her and that he'd want to hold her then, keep her safe. He knew he wouldn't be able to distance himself from her if he would just look at her.

"No."

"Paddy..."

"I said no, leave me alone please."

"But she needs you, she needs her dad."

"No."

"What about a name? You could at least give her a name." Suddenly he'd got it into his head that Paddy giving his daughter a name would help bring him a little closer to her, he waited anxiously but when Paddy did finally speak it wasn't what he wanted to hear,

"You give her a name, call her whatever you like."

Aaron stared at Paddy, shaking his head as anger surged up inside of him. He couldn't believe how cold Paddy had sounded, how dismissive he'd been about his own flesh and blood, almost like he hated her! He hadn't wanted to believe Paddy blamed the baby for Maddy's death, her being a painful reminder of her mother was something he could understand but not that, not Paddy. He was so sensible, so wise...but then maybe grief had robbed him of his senses just like Pearl had said. He forced himself to turn around and leave the room not trusting himself to speak, scared he'd say something that would make matters worse, if things could get any worse.

He went straight to the nursery, picked up the shortlist of names the expectant parents had been pondering over for weeks. It wasn't up to him to give the baby a name, but he wasn't going to leave her without one a minute longer.

There were two girls names on the list, Maddy and Paddy had been unable to decide between the two, now he and Jackson were going to have to.

Was she to be Elyse or Elodie?

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

Broken

Chapter 6

They hadn't had chance to discuss the baby's name, by the time he'd got back downstairs Laurel and Ashley had arrived and were sitting in the living room, a mug of tea in their hands. Ashley not only there to pay his respects as a neighbour and friend but also in his capacity as vicar. Maddy's funeral needed to be arranged. He'd told them Paddy wasn't up to discussing it just yet, but he knew he couldn't keep fobbing people off, he was going to have to get through to Paddy somehow.

He'd never had a conversation with Ashley before, not a proper one; he'd had a pop at him once, after the trial. Because of the article in the courier everyone in the village knew he was gay. After moping round the house he'd decided he just had to get on with life, going to work being the first step. He'd been scared about facing everyone though, nervous about his first day 'out'. Paddy knew that and had insisted on walking him to work the next day! He'd felt like a six year old being walked to school but Paddy had ignored all his protests. Ashley had been making his way up the hill and had made his support for him known but he'd mouthed off at him! Paddy having to shut him up then make amends for him. It was yet another time Paddy had been there for him, supporting him. another reason he was determined to do everything he could for him now.

The remainder of the afternoon had passed quickly, the evening seeing just the two of them alone with the baby. They'd decided they would take it in turns to feed and change the dreaded nappy, it was his turn to give the feed and so bottle in hand he watched his boyfriend deftly attend to the other job.

"You're getting good at that." He acknowledged wishing he was, the last time he'd done it he'd got in a right pickle, and had even managed to get some of the nasty stuff all over his hands!

"Yeah well it's a lot easier when she's not crying."

Jackson had eased the little girl into his waiting arms and he'd been so engrossed in what he was doing, mesmerized by the pretty little face that it was a while before he realised Jackson was watching him intently and smiling.

"What?"

"I'm liking what I see, you and a baby."

He felt a rush of warmth; something that always happened when Jackson turned all soppy on him, still he felt the need to protest, "Yeah well don't go getting any ideas."

"It would be nice though one day wouldn't it, for there to be three of us... four even?"

"Are you serious?" Jackson had to be winding him up.

"Of course I am, we'd make great parents."

"You would! What sort of a dad would I make?"

"A good and loving one."

Jackson was now looking at him in that way of his that always made him feel ten feet tall, when he saw something in him he himself just couldn't see, but at the same time so wanted to believe was there. He needed to change the subject and fast, so told Jackson what Paddy had said about naming the baby. After half an hour they'd finally decided between the two names Maddy had liked, the little girl had at last got a name, Elyse. Madeleine Elyse Kirk. They were sure Maddy would have liked that and could only hope Paddy would too.

Marlon had turned up at nine, spent another hour with Paddy. He'd come down the stairs a little happier than he'd gone up them. He'd got Paddy to eat a sandwich, drink a full mug of tea, and had managed to get him talking about Maddy... but not about the baby, he wouldn't be drawn into talking about his daughter. He'd left then, and Jackson having just fed and settled Elyse they made their way to bed. It was their first night with her and they were both more than a little anxious about it, but they knew they'd get through it together. They'd earlier moved the cot into their room and had put the Moses basket in that. They knew it was what Maddy had been planning on doing until the baby was a little older, and they were determined to do things the way she'd want them doing.

He'd called in to check on Paddy, and was surprised to find him on his feet staring out the window into the night. He had to have heard him enter his room but there'd been no acknowledgement, he was probably hoping he'd just go away. Well he wasn't going anywhere, and like it or not he was going to hear what he had to say, "Paddy, we've called the baby Elyse. Maddy liked that didn't she... and you?" He waited for a response but it didn't come, and finding the silence unbearable added, "Ashley's been, he asked about the funeral. Paddy you need to make the arrangements..."

"I'll ring him tomorrow."

At last some response! He'd wanted to keep him talking then but as he'd struggled to find something to say, Paddy had turned around and was now walking towards him, holding his hand out.

"Car keys?"

"What do you want them for?" Wasn't it a bit late to be going anywhere? He certainly didn't like the idea of him going out the state he was in.

"I need... I just...just give me my keys."

"There on the table... Paddy if you need anything I'll go get it..."

"No."

"Paddy?"

"No!"

He knew there was no reasoning with the man standing before him, not anymore, so he'd moved out of his way, then stood at the top of the stairs and watched him as he walked out of the front door. He was so worried for him, now he knew just how Paddy must have felt every time he'd just upped and gone off on his own.

Jackson had wrapped an arm around him, and steered him to their bed, telling him they needed to get some sleep, that Elyse would be waking up for another bottle in a matter of hours.

They hadn't slept though, they'd just lain there curled around each other, listening out for Paddy. One long hour later they heard his car pull up outside. They'd both breathed a sigh of relief, and after hearing the front door close had finally fallen asleep... but not for long.

Aaron couldn't believe something so small could make so much noise! Elyse's cries had had them leap from their bed, Jackson hurriedly picking her up, while he ran down the stairs to warm her bottle. He could see the light was on in the kitchen, his first thought being that Paddy had left it on when he'd gone up to bed, but Paddy was still up, sitting at the table, a half full bottle of whisky and a glass keeping him company, just like the night before.

That had angered him again and he'd pulled open the fridge door, grabbed a bottle of feed and set it down on the table in front of Paddy, "That's the sort of bottle you should be interested in, not that! You should be feeding your daughter not pouring that stuff down your neck!"

It had got no response the older man continuing to stare into the contents of the glass, and the fact Paddy had again ignored mention of his daughter had angered Aaron even more, "Maddy wouldn't want you doing this to yourself, she wouldn't want..."

"Shut up! I don't want you talking about Maddy!"

Paddy was glaring angrily at him now, he supposed he could understand that but not what he'd just said, "Paddy?"

"You didn't like her! You didn't have a good word to say about her, and I don't want to hear her name come out of that nasty mouth of yours ever again!"

That had shaken him, and even though he'd wanted to defend himself, he hadn't been able to, not right then, because however much it had hurt to hear it, it had been true once. He just stood there and watched Paddy get to his feet and leave the room, taking the bottle of whisky with him.

He realised now that Paddy was pushing him away, but he wasn't prepared to let him. The older man had never given up on him and no matter what Paddy threw at him he'd take it, just like he had done.

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

Broken

Part 7

Aaron hadn't told Jackson what Paddy had said to him, and with Elyse airing her lungs Jackson hadn't heard Paddy's raised voice, so he had no idea that there had been an angry exchange between the two of them. He had told him Paddy was drinking again and Jackson was as troubled as he was by it and like him didn't know what to do about it.

With Elyse fed and settled they'd gone back to bed and when sleep wouldn't come had discussed the upcoming days.

"I think you should go back to work."

"Aaron..."

"We're going to need the money, I've only got a few weeks holiday to take, Cain will pay me for them but he won't pay me for not turning up no matter the reason."

"You can't look after both Elyse and Paddy..."

"I'll have help, more than I want probably."

"I don't know, I wasn't planning on going back until after Maddy's funeral."

"Whenever that is! Paddy's not going to be up to speaking to Ashley now is he, he'll still be half cut tomorrow teatime."

"But we can discuss which day to have it with Ashley if nothing else, we can't delay it Aaron."

"No, but Paddy can't plan it let alone go to it the way he is."

They'd fallen silent then, each lost in their own thoughts, he breaking the silence, speaking one of his thoughts aloud. "I loved Maddy."

"I know you did." Something else was troubling his boyfriend now. "Aaron what is it?"

"Nothing," He couldn't tell Jackson what Paddy had said to him, it hurt too much, "I'm just missing her that's all."

"She'd be so proud of you, you know, how you've been there for Paddy, taken on Elyse."

"We've done it together."

Yeah he supposed they had but Aaron was the driving force here, and he was prepared to take on even more responsibility, more pressure. He wasn't happy about it, but for once Aaron was being the practical one, he did need to go back to work, and sooner rather than later. He knew Aaron was crying now and pulled him into his arms, where the silent tears quickly turned to heart-breaking sobs. The grief was still so raw and would be for a while to come but at least they were working through it. Paddy wasn't, he was holding it all inside, letting drink numb the pain. But something had to give, grief like truth would out.

/

It was sometime after seven and he was patiently trying to dress Elyse. Jackson had picked out a fancy pink outfit for her to wear, and he was having to somehow get it on the squirming bundle. Elyse's arms and legs seemed to be everywhere, once he got one arm in the other would slip out, he decided it would be easier to dress an octopus! He'd already worked up a lather giving her a bath he was working up yet another sweat now. Bathing Elyse had been scary but between them they'd done it and she'd loved it, or seemed to, she hadn't cried anyway so they must have done it right. Now she smelt of baby soap and talc, he kept sniffing her, telling her she smelled as nice as she looked! He knew he was going to have to work on the compliments; well he wasn't used to giving them to girls! He knew she was listening to him, not understanding him of course but she was definitely getting used to his and Jackson's voices. Jackson had been singing to her at half past three this morning, she wouldn't settle for some reason so he'd started rocking her and singing Rockaby Baby, it had worked well... it had sent him as well as the baby to sleep.

Now he finally had her dressed he eased Elyse down into her Moses basket, standing over her until she fell asleep just a few minutes later. While she slept they were going to have some breakfast then take it in turns to shower, and while he was upstairs he was going to check on Paddy.

He'd found Paddy asleep on top of his bed, he looked even worse than he did yesterday, and his room stank of alcohol and sweat. Once again he thought of Maddy of how upset she would be seeing Paddy like this, at what he was doing to himself. He'd give him a few more hours to sleep the worst of it off then try getting some fluids down him.

The locum vet Paddy had organized weeks back was knocking on the surgery door at half eight, they'd forgotten all about him, Pearl too. But Pearl had arrived minutes later and had promised to take charge of him, show him the ropes. It was one less thing for them to worry about.

Declan had visited them a little later that morning, with a gift for the baby and flowers in memory of Maddy. He'd understood their need to stay put, told them not to worry about Dale Head, that he'd have no problem letting it to someone else. He couldn't help but be disappointed though; he knew Jackson was too, they'd been so looking forward to having their own place. One day maybe?

As Declan had left, Ashley had arrived and finding Paddy still missing from the scene he'd asked if everything was alright, he obviously knew it wasn't, and not happy about keeping the truth from the vicar any longer he ended up telling him everything. Ashley had been shocked but had quickly offered his support, eager to do anything he could to help. He'd reserved the following Monday for Maddy's funeral, knowing that would give them a few days grace where Paddy was concerned. He was intent on talking to Paddy too so he'd promised to phone him when he'd sobered up.

It was getting on for lunch time and with Elyse asleep Jackson had gone to the shop to top up their supplies. Aaron had been making a cup of tea when he'd heard Paddy moving about upstairs. He'd hurried up there, just in time to hear the older man's bedroom door shut.

He'd found him sat on the side of his bed, a bottle of whisky in his hand. It was unopened and he was determined it was going to stay that way. Stepping over to Paddy he snatched it off him. "You don't need this Paddy." He stood watching the anger form on the older man's face, and determinedly held his gaze.

"Give it to me." Paddy demanded as he lurched to his feet

"No, Maddy wouldn't..." he didn't get to finish his sentence, Paddy stopping him with his fist. The blow sending him reeling backwards, to impact painfully with the wall behind him.

TBC


	8. Chapter 8

Broken

Part 8

Aaron could only stare at Paddy in stunned fascination, he couldn't believe what he'd just done, he couldn't believe he'd just hit him, punched him! He knew his mouth was bleeding, the coppery taste on his tongue told him that much, with trembling fingers he tentatively touched his now rapidly swelling lip.

He loved this man, and was terrified of losing him, of losing his love. He felt tears threaten, but determinedly blinked them away. It might have been a physical blow but it was his emotions that had taken a pounding, but he wasn't going to let them overwhelm him now, he had to reason with the other man, "Paddy..."

"Get out!"

The anger in Paddy's voice was mirrored in his eyes, but he wouldn't hit him again would he? He looked like he just might so deciding it would best not to aggravate the situation further he backed away, out of the room, remembering too late about the whisky bottle. He'd dropped it at some point, its fall cushioned by the plush carpet it hadn't broken it had simply rolled towards the bed, and Paddy was now picking it up. He turned away, not wanting to witness Paddy self destruct.

He made his way downstairs and after checking on Elyse he stepped back into the kitchen, agitatedly pacing the floor.

He was badly shaken by what had happened, and he was worrying now about Jackson's reaction, this he couldn't keep from him. He'd be back any minute, what did he tell him? How did he tell him?

Ten minutes later he heard the front door open, Jackson calling out that he was home and to put the kettle on. He sounded upbeat, and he could tell he was smiling and knew the smile was about to be wiped from his face.

He was standing head bowed by the sink, where up until a second ago he'd been pressing a wet cloth against his mouth, desperately trying to reduce the swelling, to make it look less obvious. He'd even nipped upstairs and changed his blood stained t-shirt. Still he knew the minute Jackson saw his face he'd know.

His boyfriend was chatting away, telling him he'd seen Victoria in the shop, that she'd been asking after them all. Jackson's attention wasn't on him yet, he was busy opening cupboards and putting the shopping away. But then chore done, he'd turned to him...

"Aaron?"

He lifted his head, met the older man's gaze, watched his expression change, his mouth then forming the question he'd been dreading...

"What the ... Aaron? No! Not Paddy?"

His silence was all the answer Jackson needed and before he knew it Jackson had turned around and was heading for the stairs. He chased after him, catching hold of his arm, hauling him around to face him, "What're you doing?"

"I'm going to smack some sense into him..."

He couldn't believe what he was hearing, what Jackson was threatening to do, he hated violence! "No, no you know the state he's in, he doesn't know what he's doing."

"He needs waking up to what he's doing, to what he's just done to you!"

He was starting to get scared now, he hadn't recognised the man upstairs and he didn't feel like he knew the man shouting angrily at him now. "Jackson?" He'd been shocked by Jackson's initial reaction but he was even more taken aback by what he said next.

"Right! Pack your stuff!"

"What?"

"And Elyse's, I'll ring Declan, we're moving into Dale Head."

"I'm not leaving him..."

"He hit you! He'll be turning on his daughter next!"

"No!" He was appalled that Jackson could think such a thing, "No he wouldn't, he loves her..."

"No he doesn't, that's just it! He can't bear to look at her! But he does love you and if he can lash out at someone he sees as his son then..."

"He wouldn't hurt her I know he wouldn't."

"I'm not prepared to take that risk, we're leaving. Now!"

"No! You can't tell me what to do! You go if you want but I'm not going anywhere and neither is Elyse."

They stood there glaring at each other, their heated words charging the air between them. The tense moment finally broken by the sound of someone knocking on the living rooms outside door. Jackson hurrying over to the window to see who it was that was out there.

"It's the Midwife. I'll see to her, you keep out the way. You know don't you that if she gets wind of what's going on here, she'll inform social services and they'll step in and take Elyse, we'll end up losing her too!"

He watched Jackson disappear through the living room door, his words having shaken him to his core. That hadn't entered his head but now it had he realised just how real a possibility it was! The Midwife was calling everyday for the next week or so, then it would be the Health Visitor popping in to check on Elyse, it's what they did. They couldn't keep Paddy's behaviour from them indefinitely, they weren't stupid, they'd soon realise something was wrong. Paddy not coping because of grief was understandable, but him drinking, turning violent wasn't. Elyse could end up in care... something Maddy had experienced and had been determined would never happen to any child of hers. He couldn't let it happen, wouldn't let that happen... but just how did he keep this family together?

The Midwife had been more than happy with Elyse, had said she was thriving. She'd asked after Paddy and he'd heard Jackson make some excuse for him not being there, lie in other words. Lies were something else Jackson hated, their world really had turned in on itself.

As the Midwife left through one door he entered the living room through the other. On seeing him Jackson had made a beeline for him, gripping him by his forearms, determined he hear him out.

"Aaron listen to me..."

"No! I'm not walking out on him, I'm not giving up on him, not after everything he's done for me."

"I'm just thinking of Elyse..."

"So am I! Her dad's a good man, the best. He needs me Jackson, he needs us! He needs Elyse to be around him. He won't hurt her, he won't!" He didn't know what else to say to convince Jackson that Elyse was safe here. But he did know that leaving wasn't an option, not for him and Elyse it wasn't any way!

TBC


	9. Chapter 9

Broken

Part 9

Aaron had made it clear he wasn't going anywhere... and that meant neither was he.

Had he overreacted earlier? As far as wanting to lamp Paddy one yes he had, but then he would make no apologies for being protective of Aaron. As for wanting to move the three of them out there and then? Maybe he had jumped the gun there, he'd certainly rattled Aaron by insisting they did. Aaron was now waiting for him to speak, wanting some response to his impassioned plea, he couldn't keep him waiting on one any longer. Heaving a resigned sigh he said, "Alright, we stay." He watched the relief spread across his boyfriend's face; he could only hope now that it was the right decision. He liked Paddy, loved him as a friend, Aaron's feelings for him went so much deeper, he'd just proven that. His trust in the older man was unshakable so too his sense of loyalty towards him. But with everything that had happened there was a chance that in this instance it could be misplaced. He was going to have to be mindful of that.

His eyes were drawn to the signs of violence on Aaron's face and he realised he hadn't once asked him if he was ok. He reached out and gently fingered the area around the bruised and swollen flesh, Aaron letting him, nuzzling his face against his touch. Only now was he realising what it was Aaron had needed from him and it hadn't been a fit of hysteria. It wasn't too late though and so he gently pulled him into a hug. As Aaron melted against him, drawing comfort from his arms he heard himself make a promise he had every intention of keeping, "It'll be alright, we'll get Paddy through this." He was determined to move heaven and earth to put things right for Aaron, to give him back the love and security he'd found at the Smithy...what had seemingly been ripped from him by Maddy's death.

They'd stood there for the longest time, just holding on to each other; Elyse's cries for attention the thing that finally had them pull apart.

"I'll see to her."

Jackson watched Aaron hurry over to where Elyse lay loudly exercising her tiny lungs, smiling at his haste. Aaron couldn't bare to hear the little girl cry, hated to think she was unhappy in any way. He'd certainly lost all the nervousness he'd first felt about handling her, of attending to her needs. He had to admit he was surprised at just how competent Aaron was proving to be with the baby, he was so good with her, his soft, sensitive side was really getting an airing now Elyse was in their life. Aaron knew the baby needed him and he was thriving on the responsibility, he was determined not to let either Maddy or Paddy down.

/

Elyse had sicked up some of her feed and somehow it had missed the strategically positioned bib. He'd come up to the nursery to get a clean outfit for her. Aaron had told him to find something that was easier to put on than the last one he'd chosen. He was now staring at a large selection of baby clothes, and finding himself in a right quandary. The simple instruction was proving to be a lot harder than it sounded. Hearing Paddy's door opening, he put that task on hold and headed to the door.

Paddy looked like hell, his appearance reflecting what he was obviously feeling, His heart went out to him, his assault on Aaron not yet forgotten, not exactly forgiven, just put behind him. The older man was in desperate need of a shave and more so of a shower, better still a long soak in a hot bath. He didn't seem to know he was there, appeared lost in his own misery. "Paddy?" The pain filled blue eyes met his, slowly focusing on him, recognition taking a little while, even then there was to be no acknowledgment.

He'd not really had much contact with Paddy since Maddy's death, Aaron had wanted to do everything with him, he realised now he shouldn't have let him, that he should have done more, well here's where all that changed. "Where're you going?" Paddy gestured to the bathroom and he moved to throw open the door for him, with Paddy now safely in there he turned around and made his way into his bedroom.

He was met by a half-light and the stench of whisky, which as strong as it was didn't quite mask the tell-tale smell of the unwashed. He drew back the heavy curtains and opened the window letting in the summer sun and some much needed fresh air. He turned his attention to the bed next, quickly stripping it of its covers and tossing them into a pile on the floor. He had no intention of making the bed until that too had had a good airing.

A whisky bottle was next to catch his eye, it still had most of its contents, he wanted rid of them before Paddy came back so picking up the bottle he then made for the open window, emptying the amber liquid onto the ground below. They'd figured Paddy had bought some the night before, when he'd driven off God knows where; it suddenly struck him he might have a stash of the stuff somewhere. With that idea now planted firmly in his head he started opening wardrobe doors and rummaging through drawers. He hated having to resort to such intrusive measures but he was certain alcohol was partly the cause of Paddy's assault on Aaron, that and the fact it wasn't helping Paddy deal with his grief made him determined to rid the place of every last drop. He finally came across two unopened bottles and emptied them out of the window too. Paddy could always buy more... but he'd have to get past him first!

He was soon pulling open another wardrobe door, picking out something clean for Paddy to wear; all he had left to do now was reacquaint him with some soap, a razor and a toothbrush!

/

Just what the hell was keeping Jackson? Elyse was fed, her nappy changed and she was almost asleep, he didn't want to put her down wearing only a vest though, looking like he'd only half seen to her.

He could hear movement above him, Paddy was wandering around, had been for the last five or so minutes, there was a great deal of activity up there, what was he doing?

He was starting to feel uneasy, the two older men being upstairs together after what had happened earlier maybe wasn't such a good idea. Easing the sleeping baby down into her Moses basket he pulled the sheet up to her chest, when certain Elyse was settled he made his way to the stairs.

/

Paddy had had to shield his eyes against the bright sunlight now flooding his room, after growing accustomed to the light he'd then slowly looked around him, his gaze settling on his bed.

"Don't worry, it'll be made up ready for bedtime." The older man had eyed him briefly his attention then turning to his bedside table, where the bottle of whisky had been. When he'd eyed him questioningly he'd held up one of the empty bottles saying, "You don't need this Paddy."

That had earned him a filthy look, Paddy then stepping over to the wardrobe in which he'd found the other two bottles of alcohol. On finding them missing too he'd turned around and headed towards the door, to where he was now standing. 

'This was it,' Jackson decided, 'make or break time!'

TBC


	10. Chapter 10

Broken

Part 10

Aaron had barely got halfway up the stairs when he became aware of voices, one of them raised and anger filled, the other calm and determined. Jackson was trying to reason with Paddy, telling him that alcohol wasn't the answer, that he needed to face his grief, work through it, not try to drown it in a bottle.

He'd tried to get that message across too, and had failed miserably, but Jackson had a way with words, of expressing himself, of getting to the heart of something... of someone. He'd broken down his emotional barriers enough times to know that. Paddy seemed to be listening to him now too; at least he'd fallen silent. He hovered on the top stair, not wanting to interrupt the moment, not when Jackson actually seemed to be getting somewhere with Paddy.

Suddenly his heart started to race, he wasn't so sure of Jackson's actions now. His tone of voice had changed, hardened. He'd moved on to new territory, was now reading him the riot act, letting Paddy know exactly where he was going wrong, the damage he was doing to himself and to those he cared about. He couldn't help but feel he was being way too harsh now, and that Paddy would react badly to what he was hearing. He was right... Paddy was soon snarling back at the younger man, Jackson had hit a raw nerve, proof the whisky hadn't quite managed to deaden all the pain.

It was clear Paddy wanted out of there, and his anger was soaring, but Jackson was determined to stand his ground. He was going to have to intervene before Paddy did something he wasn't sure he could ever forgive him for.

As he rounded the top of the stairs, the attention suddenly turned to him. Jackson pointing in his direction, asking Paddy if he could remember punching him in the face... someone he supposedly loved, someone he saw as his son... and what he thought Maddy would have said about that.

"Jackson!" He thought he'd gone too far with that, that he was pushing Paddy too hard. He'd half expected a violent reaction but Paddy was just standing there staring at him, at the damage he'd done to his face. He was actually looking at him and not through him like had the last few times.

"No, no I didn't do that... I wouldn't..."

The blue eyes were searching his now, pleading with him, desperate for a denial. He wanted to look away but knew he couldn't, that Paddy had to accept the truth. When the older man dropped his gaze he knew that he had.

He watched Paddy slowly backup into his room, away from the confrontation, from the ugliness his life had become, to then sink heavily onto his bed, shaking his head as he did so.

He'd made to go to him but Jackson had blocked his way saying, "Not yet." He'd wanted to protest, certain that Paddy needed him but Jackson had got everything right so far, who was he to question him now? He'd turned around, forced his feet along the landing, hearing the door close on the two men as he did so.

/

Aaron was sitting watching Elyse sleep, thinking over the day's events, knowing Paddy had made some headway... but not nearly enough. With some coaxing from Jackson he'd taken a bath, shaved, had even put clean linen on his bed, but no amount of coaxing could get him downstairs.

He couldn't hear him moving about up there, and was wanting to go check on him. Jackson had told him not to, saying Paddy needed some time to sort his head out now that it wasn't befuddled by booze. His boyfriend had taken Bonnie for a quick walk, once around the block, the poor dog wasn't get much attention at the moment, was pining for Maddy, missing her badly just like the two legged creatures that inhabited the house.

When the door opened he'd expected to see his boyfriend but it was Paddy that was standing there. The older man's sudden unexpected appearance had him leap to his feet, words deserting him for a little while as he looked at him, seeing the man he remembered from before Maddy's death ... except he wasn't, not really, there was a sadness clouding his eyes, eyes that had always sparkled with a zest for life before.

"Paddy..." There was so much he wanted to say to him, but the words still wouldn't come.

"I just wanted to make sure you were alright. To..to say I'm sorry..."

"I'm fine." He insisted, he didn't want an apology; he just wanted Paddy to be alright, to be back in his life... and more importantly in his daughter's life, "Come see Elyse..."

"No."

"Paddy please..."

"I'm going to see Ashley; I need to speak to him about the funeral."

He watched the door close, disappointment sitting heavy in his chest; Paddy had shunned his daughter again. Jackson had said he wouldn't be drawn into talking about her earlier although when he'd told him the midwife had been pleased with her progress he'd said "Good". That was the first positive thing he had said in regards to her and they'd both taken it as a small step in the right direction. Now he had to wonder if it was.

Jackson had returned ten minutes later, more than a little pleased to hear Paddy had resumed some responsibility, but was as disappointed as he was that he still wanted nothing to do with Elyse. He'd gone on to reason that although he'd come a long way in such a short space of time, he maybe needed more time where his daughter was concerned.

He'd found himself alone again shortly after. Jackson had stopped to talk to Edna Birch when he'd been walking Bonnie, the widow was having problems with her back door, it kept sticking, he'd promised to sort it out for her, and after telling him he wouldn't be long had retrieved his toolbox from his van and headed down the hill to Edna's.

Elyse had woken up just minutes later, crying within seconds of opening her eyes, letting him know she was hungry, his nose telling him she had a full nappy too. He'd changed the nappy put the bottle to warm up, and then ran upstairs to get the change of outfit Jackson hadn't been able to decide on. That's when he'd heard the front door opening, knew it was Paddy and suddenly wondered how he'd react to hearing his daughter crying.

He listened with bated breath, expecting to hear the tread of feet on the stairs but no, Paddy remained in the hallway. Was his baby's distress getting to him... he hoped to God it was because he was certain nothing else would.

It was hard leaving Elyse to cry, it seemed like forever since he'd left her but he knew it was only a matters of minutes.

When the crying suddenly stopped he ran along the landing and hurtled down the stairs and into the kitchen, Paddy was nowhere in sight. Had he gone back out through the front door or into the living room? Heart in his mouth he stepped through the doorway, his heart threatening to stop on seeing Paddy was now holding his daughter in his arms, and gazing in wonder at her face.

He stepped further into the room, his emotions just beneath the surface now, "She's beautiful isn't she?"

Paddy was nodding, and he could see tears trickling down his face.

"Just like her mum." He stepped closer, guiding Paddy over to the sofa, sitting down beside him, wrapping his arm around him, letting his tears fall too.

tbc


	11. Chapter 11

Broken

Chapter 11

Today was always going to be an emotional one, and always would be he supposed. It was Elyse's first birthday... and the first anniversary of Maddy's death... a bittersweet day.

Someone had suggested they hold the party they were planning to have either the day before or the day after but Paddy had said no, that there was no reason they couldn't mark both events without one overshadowing the other.

They hadn't organised anything fancy or over the top as far as the party was concerned, they'd save such do's for when Elyse was older... a lot older. No this was going to be a traditional birthday tea, with ice cream and jelly, birthday cake and of course party games. Something both old and young alike would enjoy.

He and Jackson had spent the morning helping Paddy get things ready, had been blowing up balloons, wrapping up the gifts for pass-the-parcel, packing party bags, getting well and truly involved in the preparations and loving every minute of it.

They still hadn't moved out of Paddy's, didn't plan to any time soon. It was home to them both, especially so now they had Elyse. They loved her, loved helping look after her and in all truth couldn't bear the thought of leaving her behind.

The sense of responsibility they'd felt towards her those first few days of her life had never left them. It had intensified when Paddy had not only asked them to be her godparents but also her guardians should anything ever happen to him. He'd had his solicitor put it in black and white, make it legally binding and by doing so the older man said he'd given himself immense peace of mind. Aaron couldn't quite believe Paddy had so great a measure of trust in him.

It had been a difficult year for Paddy, losing Maddy had broken him emotionally but he'd fought his way back and was to Elyse what he had been and still was to him... the best kind of father... the best kind of dad.

Those last twelve months had seen him and Paddy grow even closer. He and Jackson had grown still closer too, Maddy's death had made them realise just how fragile life was, had taught them to appreciate and hold on tight to what they had together... you never knew what might be waiting for you around the next corner!

It was early afternoon now; Elyse was asleep, curled up on the sofa with her favourite teddy. Bonnie her ever faithful four legged friend lying on the floor beside her. While the little girl slept the three of them took a well earned breather. Everything was ready, all they had left to do now was change into something more presentable and Elyse into her party dress.

Several fun filled hours later and with the last of their guests gone, they found themselves left with the party remnants to clear up and one very tired one year old to bath and put to bed. After the usual round of hugs and goodnight kisses Paddy had carried his daughter up the stairs leaving them with the less enviable job.

They were just finishing off when Paddy had stuck his head around the hallway door, the bouquet of roses he had bought the day before now nestling in the crook of his arm.

"I'm just... well I won't be long."

They hadn't needed any further explanation; they knew exactly where Paddy was going, knew the sentiment held in each and every one of the twelve red and twelve dark pink blooms.

End


End file.
